Like Fine Wine, Some Things You Just Can't Rush

Recently while talking with my son, sort of out of the blue, he commented that five of his best buddies were engaged and preparing for their wedding day. Last words of the text were scary, sad. Now that he's officially over the twenty-something "hill" he's feeling what most of these second-decaders are feeling; an unauthentic pressure to find a spouse and settle down.
Across the hundreds of miles, I thought of him as I always do, the little person getting his walking legs at eight months old. I reassured him that he was far too young to think about settling down as he had so much of life to live before the happily ever after scenario. But somehow amidst all the encouragement and reassurance, we both knew reality was setting in, and any day he would receive his God-gift of a Mrs. Right; and the only thing left to do would be prepare to put on his husband shoes.
I'm not a big fan of having conversations by text; but, in this new-tech world that seems to be the quickest way to reach someone, sin answering machines and voice mail. For Mother's Day, God-blessed him to gift me with an ITouch which has changed my attitude about over-rated technology. And texting seems to have us communicating more than the occasional phone call; which has its pos and negs.
In truth, I pray that he will patiently wait and endure until God sends his spouse. If that's tomorrow, wonderful. If it's ten years from now, even better. Marriage is kind of like pregnancies. If you get enough women of child-bearing age together, eventually it will seem like fertilty is in the water. It's the same with marriage. One pal proposes; the next thing you know another gets the happy pill, and on and on.
But, to all out there who're feeling this faux-pressure to jump the broom, listen to a few people who did so prematurely, and I assure you the yen will gain sensibility.
I remember I was his age when I said "I do," which makes it oh-so easy to advise him to not hurry. The time to ponder the thought of marriage is when that right person enters your life and you know they are who you should journey the rest of your life with. This timing is not measured by job stability, or age, or any other reason, other than that you believe in your deepest self this is who you should spend forever after with. Wisdom notes that marriage without money is more difficult, than marriage with financial stability. This is why I strongly encourage him to focus on laying a foundation that will prepare him to someday show his queen that he's worthy and able to represent her as king. Marriage is one of those things you can't just do because everyone else is doing it. True love is a gift from God that comes in His Divine Timing; not at any particular age. Some receive it at 16, others 76. We honor God for this gift by taking vows of marriage. Marriage, in and of itself, is a ministry that two people should dedicate their entire life strengthening according to God's Divine Purpose set forth in Genesis, when He acknowledged "It is not good for man to be alone." But realize, he made woman, for procreation purposes. Today, an unmarried is not truly alone. There are a whole lot of guy and gal pals to have Godly fun with until the queen (for males) enters the picture. In closing, it's difficult enough to charter the 20-something waters without trying to make happen something whose season has not yet come.The only thing sad and scary about best friends getting married, is believing that's your queue to imitate the same. Someday I want to be a M-I-L and a GramMY; but like fine wine, some things you just can't rush, lest you run the risk of experiencing no taste, worst yet, bad taste for life.

Marriage is God's Design

Recently, while watching the news, I learned of a Catholic priest who's currently in hot water for being involved in a heterosexual relationship. The steamy photos of him lying on the beach with his "secret" love, and ultimately agreeing to public interviews, reminded me of the imperfections of man-made laws in the Church. Cautiously, I was glad to hear that this man-of-the-cloth, who presumably has dedicated his life of servanthood to the Lord, is choosing to own up to his "impropriety." If a blind study was done, many might be surprised at the number of priests who have fathered children through the years. Or maybe adult reasoning would prevent them from being shocked. On hearing of this tabloid-style news, I was reminded instantly of the book of Genesis, and God putting Adam to sleep, for the deliberate purpose of creating Eve; simply because He, in His infinite wisdom, knew that it would not be good for man to be alone (2:20-25). On the other hand, in the New Testament, (1Corinthians 7:1) Paul stated that he believed it was better to be single and celibate than to marry, because this state potentially frees one to be focused on the desires of God and not the cares of (hu-) man. He is quick to admonish, though, that it is far better to marry than to burn with adulterous passion for another. In some instances, being responsible for self is a lot easier than being responsible for another plus children. But we must be reminded, that we weren't put on this planet for the easiest path; but with God's plan and purpose aligning our lives foremost. Most times, this pursuit includes taking the journey with someone. For most adults this would be a spouse. And so, back to the topic at hand, the priest caught in this quandary reminds me of an ongoing view I have, that the Catholic Church should either rewrite its statutes or have a separate branch on the vine (denomination) for "liberal" Catholics. Blatantly overruling God by forcing one to deny natural urges in a proper context (marriage) can never be a good thing. I'd much rather have a healthy, heterosexual male priest who chooses a spouse (for life); and honors God by procreating, than one who stands in the pulpit preaching the Holy Word, knowing in his conscience, he has harmed one of God's precious little children. Sadly, pedophilia is a dirty little secret in too many churches of all denominations. If just one church is guilty of shielding this predatory perpetrator, that's one too many! And so, if in the beginning, God ordained marriage as a good thing, and totally natural, as an obvious attempt to circumvent adulterous behaviors, then it must be for the good of mankind! A man should not be denied his innate calling to be a minister of God's Word; nor should he have to deny his innate desire to have a normal heterosexual relationship with his spouse. He should not be denied children, when God's Word explicitly says, "Happy is the man who has a quiver full." The Catholic Church has a lot of positives. Unfortunately its negatives are so skewed that it casts an ominous, dark cloud that can't be ignored. Because churches are managed by humans, none are perfect. But a Church should NEVER be allowed to overrule God's Divine Order. And sadly, that's exactly what occurs when one is allowed to rewrite or redesign God's original plan. I'm obviously for heterosexual priests having the right to marry, if God has called them to this ministry. I support this view, even if it ultimately requires them to walk away from the priesthood. But, if I'm not mistaken, priests make vows to stay celibate before God; just as a couple takes marriage vows. There is a covenant involved; which gets complicated. Because I am not God; thus, certainly in no position to judge, I think the far more honorable thing to do would be to denounce man's position on this matter and honor God by praying to do whatever it takes to make right, this apparent wrong. This is perhaps a primary reason why the Catholic Church is always faced with a dire shortage of priests. I'm certain there are many gifted men who are called by God to preach; but are stymied at the thought of not being able to take a wife and have children. Unfortunately this leaves a gaping hole for Sodom and Gomorrah-types to be ordained. According to God's Word, homosexuality and even moreso, causing harm to His innocent and vulnerable children, are far greater abominations to Him; than a man who comes to his senses and realizes that obedience to God's Word is far more important than a law orchestrated by man. So to the priest on the beach, it's time to make a decision. It's obvious that you've failed at being perfect before God. Join the crowd of souls who in our best efforts fall short. That's why as Christians, we are sinners saved by the grace of Jesus' dying on the Cross. There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize that wrong, no matter how right it seems, will ever be so. It's at that point of recognition that steps have to be made toward the direction of the right path. From the beginning, God gave man natural urges. He even made a woman, with interests, so that these urges could be filled. To remain a priest, and superficially honor man's laws, and stay in the closet, or worse yet openly on the beach, is a greater disservice to the Christian walk; than admitting that in one's humanness, he failed God, by taking a vow that God probably never intended him to make. The Bible talks about a handful of people who have no desires for sex. They are extremwly rare, and actually have the name of enochs. On behalf of all males who are Catholic and feeling a call to the priesthood; while simultaneously hearing a call to marriage; the most noble thing to do would be obey the latter; and resolve to becoming a church deacon while starting a crusade for the laws from Rome to be more aligned with God's Word. For too long, the priesthood has been a "safe" place for persons with unhealthy sexual issues to flock to. I haven't kept up with this particular story; but, I'm hoping and praying that the priest involved in this latest affair will do the right thing. Only he knows in his spirit what God has breathed in him to do. Thank God for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit! There's a lot more shame in living a lie before God; than admitting your mistake and moving forward. And in closing, on behalf of the majority of priests and nuns who are honoring their vows, Praise GOD! And on behalf of those who after years of service realize that in their wholeness they have need of a spouse; and courageously make the difficult task of walking away to pursue that life, Godspeed. The bottom line is: God gave man His most compatible design when He made woman. And man should never be denied anything God has called good!

NOTE: Since the initial draft of this article, a study out of Ireland has revealed more heinous acts done "behind the scenes" by persons who should be among the most trusted, in a place that should be among the safest on earth.

Love, Dating & The Two Year Limit

I don't believe in one-on-one dating. I'm not a fan. These are the words I echo to my many twenty-something "daughters." I think unaccountable dating is an opportunity to find yourself in compromising situations for either short or very lengthy expanses of time. Some of my daughters have been in long-term relationships and are getting a bit uneasy about the fact that no ring or proposal seems imminent. Another Valentine's Day is upon them and they get this strange anticipation that this might be the time the commitment will become formal. Although with each passing "romantic" holiday their balloon-filled hopes lose a little more air. Through cheery and pearlish smiles they sometimes find themselves saying they really don't even want to get married. Yet Wisdom knows that this is a truth that doesn't pass the test. There's an old adage: Why buy the cow when the milk is free? I'll add to that phrasing that even if the milk does go on sale, the farmer won't trust buying the cheaper product for fear that it's tainted. It's in an odd way like having an opportunity to buy a new car. Most people desire to lay claim to something (in this case someone) that hasn't been handled previously. I think most men have trust issues that stem from childhood teachings and experiences. The sad echo of "Mama's baby; Daddy's maybe" rings in the ear of many men from their childhood years. It's been said that all men want to marry virgins; but consummate with every woman they're attracted to.
But this writing is more about young women who find themselves spinning their wheels; in a rut. In their deepest selves they know that what they have has died; fizzled like a fiery sparkler on a rainy 4th of July. And yet they hold on to a dim ray of hope that maybe they're wrong. Maybe this Valentine's Day will find them calling to tell of their Cinderella-style proposal. Anyone who asks me about dating learns very soon that I have a two-year rule. Before one commits her heart and life to a perspective suitor I think she should make an unwavering and very personal commitment deep within herself that after 12 months of loyal devotion, a ring and proposal of marriage should be presented by this "guy-in-love". I believe everything should have a past, present and future. The past is what was before the two of you met. The present is the life you have together today. And the future is what your intent is for the rest of your life. Most guys will admit that they pretty much know very early on, if not instantly, when they've met their future bride. They will also admit that the chase is often more exciting than the catch; though, time and time and time again women fall prey to affection with reckless abandon. It's for that reason, amongst many others, that choosing celibacy before wedding vows is your friend. But this is not about snaring, or entrapping someone to do what they are not interested in doing. Instead it is an opportunity to have a plan of self-empowerment if it becomes apparent that this boat is merely attached to the dock instead of desiring to set sail on the seas of life. After that first year, and the person shows a sincere interest in forever-after by fulfilling the aforementioned commitments of ring and bended knee, I sincerely believe an additional 12 months is ample time to set a date, plan a wedding within an affordable budget, and start life with a covenant promise to Father God. Let's face it. It does no good to show up in church on Sunday knowing you're playing house or doctor with someone who's not your husband. I believe strongly in Divine Order. God's Word clearly states in Genesis that a man should take a wife. He warns in 1Corinthians that it is better to marry than to burn in lustful passion. I would that every woman wait well into her 30s to welcome a love interest. But I'm not God. He knows when the time is best for two people to fall in love. When that happens, and it is truly a love sent by God, then in faith the two must go forward and legally become one. But it's those long-term relationships that have no solid footing and are yielding no peaceable fruit that this writing is for. If you've been hanging in there for more than two years it's time to have that talk; first with yourself and then sadly enough with the person whose abusing the privilege of calling you his own. This is NOT about ultimatums. Who would want that? Would you? No, this is merely a plea that you respect yourself enough to say, 'This is what I want; when I want it'. If your timeline does not align with his, then you have to ask yourself if you're going to be a friend of Compromise for a while longer; with one last and ever-applicable mention: Compromise is not, and never will be, your friend. Be blessed and always know that peace can only come in Divine Order.