Once Again, The President Said It Best

Recently, President Obama said so eloquently that more men need to be taught that fatherhood does not stop with conception. Today I am reminded of the 29-year-old male who was recently in court for "fathering" 21 children by 11 different women. I was of course saddened for the children involved. After all they are the ones who will be cheated of what it means to have a real dad in their lives. But cheating children of God's best for them seems to be the trend in too many instances these days. It's said that the sins of the father affect the children for four generations removed. This is a perfect example of that Scripture. My sorrow was only compounded on learning that he had a job that barely paid enough to care for himself, and a court system that let him off the hook by paying some insulting amount in child support. I shake my head as I write this; as I am overwhelmed with an inability to even begin comprehending who failed the most in this scenario. He obviously failed to properly wear a condom. The females obviously failed to properly use birth control. The law obviously failed to have statutes in place that would require him to either get a mandatory vasectomy or serve ten years for every child he failed to pay full support for. The list could go on and get more personal; but, I think the point is made. Someone failed to nip this obvious problem in the bud long before it reached the number of offspring created. I know there are free-spirited people who gasp at the thought of delaying the pro-creation process. I know there are people who can't believe that I'd suggest no money; no children. But yes, that's what I believe. If laws were designed that would require proof of (familial) affordability for a child or mandatory adoption being the repercussion for irresponsible pregnancies people would stop being so careless with such a serious responsibility. I know there are some who will say this belief borders on Communism. No, I beg to differ. It borders on people being responsible for their actions. It borders on people not continuing that ugly and vicious cycle that the government pays for their children and everything required to care for them. I know. Everything is a bit of an exaggeration; but, I'm merely trying to make a point on the weekend eve that celebrates the making of a child. In closing, our Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, considered at some point in his career starting a school strictly for homosexual males. I couldn't believe how far off the mark he would have been to publicly fund something of that large a bias. In the real world, being gay is no different than being overly fat, or any other distinguishing feature that one may be ridiculed for. If he opened a school just for gays, before long he'd have to open a school just for the obese; or just the shy. No, I totally disagree with him wanting to start schools just for gays; but I do believe that he should SERIOUSLY consider opening schools across the nation that cater specifically to turning heterosexual males into MEN. These schools should be run by healthy-minded, non-predatory men, who are the epitome of what society would define manhood as. Their entire curriculum starting in Pre-K should be centered from a perspective of proper etiquette necessary for transitioning from boyhood to manhood. Too many young boys are waking up at that awkward age of adolescence without a clue of what manhood is truly defined as. I can only wonder if knowledge would have translated into wisdom in the life of the male with the 21 children, 11 women, and less than three decades of life.

Father's Day: An Endangered Holiday?

In a few short days, many men across America, and even the world, will be honored for their planting a seed into fertile ground that brought forth new life. No matter what kind of job you think these men are doing as parents, a holiday has been set aside to recognize the command of a Higher Authority: Honor thy father and mother. I couldn't help but notice during the weeks leading up to this day, that more discussions were heard with a bend towards wayward fathers. I was saddened that more men were being recognized for not doing their part to be in their children's lives, than for those brave warriors who stand in battle the entire 18 years and longer, to make sure their children are provided and cared for. America is going through a topsy turvy type of turmoil today, as adults are trying to redefine what constitutes a family. Two men can show up in a classroom, as well as two women, and call themselves the parents of a child. But this is about Father's Day; not Parent's Day. I will do all I can to not put a negative spin on such an important life celebration that has far too many "Baby Daddy's" wearing this title. It would be too easy to blame the males carrying this title; except, the owness belongs to females who in the majority of cases, allow these seeds to be planted in the first place. There was a time when the only birth control was rhythmically based. Although some people swear by this method, and that's good, I can only shake my head at attempting to master something so potentially life-altering. Aside from the pill, there's the patch and a host of other means for not getting pregnant. Even developing a montra, "No condom, No Sex" would be better than just letting ten seconds of doing something, turn into a lifetime of woe figuring out how to financially provide for a child. I love children as much as the next person, but they are very expensive. But, I digress, for this is about Father's Day; and a more pressing concern, which is that too many children are fatherless by way of absentee, off-the-radar papas. Too many men are virtual-parenting. Some are living across country from their children, some from a prison cell sending pre-made cards, only to be released from the penetentiary, totally denying the responsibility that parenthood requires. I realize that prison life can change a man for life; but, the sad news is that these same men will re-enter society and make more children, with more women, making more baby daddy's and even worse, more baby mama's. It's a spiraling trap, that always leans toward the weakening fiber of the intact family. But, oh yes, this is about Father's Day; not Beat-up-on-papa Day. Sadly, I don't think a man can really afford to be a dad to only the children he brings into the world. I think he has to wear the title for children who don't have a father figure in the home. But all that aside, the truth is society has always been short of father figures on some level. But as I think back, the moral deterioration of society didn't really start with the absentee father. They've always existed for one reason or another. Society and the morality issue in America didn't really begin to surface until someone allowed prayer to be removed from the public school system of this great nation of ours. And all the children, seemingly mostly males, no longer had the strong sense of the truest form of Fatherhood to reflect and rely on. They no longer had that morning prayer engrained in their being that helped raise a level of consciousness within themselves throughout the day. And soon, in the gloomy experience of the absent father, they began to adopt illicit rap stars as the figure head they looked up to. And before long they were old enough to look eye-to-eye with them and fully emmulate their manner of style in dress and behavior. There are a lot of "stars" on television. And I'm always saddened when I see a man, who is definitively married, fail to acknowledge his role as a husband, WITH children, by not wearing the traditional band on the third finger, left hand. Yes, in a few short days, millions will celebrate Father's Day. Perhaps in this day of redefining family on so many levels, perhaps we should consider having a Baby Momma Day and of course a Baby Daddy Day. Let's face it in truth; there is a distinguishing profile that goes with honoring a man who has signed up for the long haul by being a spouse first and a parent to one treasure of children; as opposed to men who walk around like seed bearers without the responsibility of watering and nurturing his implantations. So, to real fathers everywhere, my own included, who despite your imperfections, did, and are doing, your very best to raise God-fearing, morally sound children, kudos, and have the happiest of days.

A Tribute to Mothers: Past, Present & Future

It's May. It's the month when mothers are "officially" honored for their efforts, large and small. God makes it clear in Deuteronomy that parents should be honored. He doesn't distinguish between good parents and not-so-good parents. He simply admonishes that they should be honored. To honor someone is to recognize them for the good they do. Sadly, some adult "children" have to dig very deep into their souls to lift their parents. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with parents, who no matter the imperfections, did everything they could to keep our family intact. But it's May. And Mother's Day is on the horizon. Before I write any further I'd like to make an aside to the last post, "Sex-Ed Is Not So Much TALK As It Is Modeled." I inferred that my mother was wrong in her statement that "good girls don't." Sometimes in my maturity I still hold on to the immaturity of my youth. That's not really attractive. As a mother of two adult children, I now know fully well, exactly what she meant when she made that statement. In essence she was "nail-on-the-head" right! Good girls, meaning girls who honor God; don't dis-honor Him by breaking His command by indulging in "dead-end" sex before marriage. I know there are a lot of naysayers who're ready to defend their behavior; but it's a few days before Mother's Day and I must stay focused on the theme. My mother crossed over into the eternal realm over a decade ago. I was fortunate to know her pricelessness. The best advice she gave me as an adult was, "A mother can no longer be the first to cry when her child gets sick." This treasured wisdom came on the heels of me crying when my infant son had colic. I kept those words close to my heart as the normal progression of bumps and bruises occurred throughout the years. Admittedly, the time my daughter broke her arm after falling off her brother's bike, left me futilely fighting the tears. But the advice she had given years earlier was right on. If I wanted them to be strong and brave, then it began with me. My mother was the mother she was, thanks to her mother, and her mother's mother, generations removed. I remember taking the time to hand-write a weekly letter to my maternal grandmother. I wish I could remember how my 8-year-old words came together in longhand; but, that was eons before MS-Word and computers. My awareness of my paternal grandmother was actually stronger after her crossing over, than on this side. But that's a discussion for a whole other blog. In a few short days, young children will offer handmade gifts; and adult children will wreck the budget, trying to tag a price onto something priceless: how much they love and treasure their mom. On my calendar, above the Mother's Day imprint, I've written the words "Everyday is." For me that is very true. I don't have to think very deeply to know how blessed I am to have two children who are independent; and, on the big scale of life have never given me any real burdens as they grew. Of course, all glory for this goes to God, and certainly not them or me. Yes, Mother's Day is a few short days away. My perfect day will be spent doing what I'd ordinarily do on this day. My favorite gifts will be made from the inborn giftedness given them by the Gifter. My daughter has an artist's hands. My son has a gift for music design. But as the day approaches, I can only give thanks to my Maker, Father God, for blessing me with the experience; and for allowing the journey, in hindsight, to be a relatively smooth one. To all the mothers of the world, Happy Mother's Day. Assure your children that the best gift they can give can't be bought: their unconditional and non-judgmental love for you. May you spend your day the way that gives you peace, without preconceived expectations that most likely will disappoint. So clink, clink: Let us raise our glasses of cheer for a toast to motherhood and mothers: past, present and future!

Sex-Ed Is Not So Much TALK As It Is Modeled

My mother's sex-ed discussion was three-words long. I can remember as though it were yesterday. I was drying and putting away the dishes and somehow, "Good girls don't" blurted from her mouth. In silence, I continued putting the dishes away, and thought of all of the girls in school who did, and knew that she, in all her wisdom, missed the mark on this one. I thought of all the girls I knew who were on the Honor Roll, often with all A's. I thought of the cheerleaders who were good at throwing out cheers. I thought of girls who sang in the choir and put on the appearance of piety and respect. All of these girls were sexually active. And in honesty, this act did not make them what I'd consider to be bad people. In retrospect, they were good people who had liberal moral ethics, to put it politely. They had open relationships with their mothers and were provided birth control to prevent unplanned pregnancies. And yet, even though my mother gave me those three words to ponder through the years, I chose abstinence as my birth control, well into my 20s. The key word here is chose. I was taught the Word of God from an early age, and knew this was against God's plan for unmarried people. I saw what these active girls had to endure when relationships fell apart. I saw what missing a pill could create. As a border-line germaphobe, the thought of contracting a disease was more than I cared to risk. I chose abstinence because I wanted to get a degree more than I wanted to change diapers. My mother had a child later in life, and that was as close to motherhood that I wanted to get as a young teen. I enjoyed being an aunt; but, motherhood was not on my radar. I enjoyed my life and I didn't panic if my irregular cycle didn't show up. But, I truly don't believe sex-ed has to be taught, as much as it has to be lived. Having two adult children of my own, I didn't have a sit-down-and-talk lesson with them. I had an ongoing, as the occasion put forth, dialogue with them. If I saw something, or heard something immoral I didn't hesitate to point out why that was ultimately destructive to their well-being. I made clear from the start, that music with vulgar or offensive lyrics would not be welcomed in my listening field. I made clear that any songs on the PC that I didn't like the title would be deleted without warning. I knew that I couldn't stop them from listening; but, I could, as the owner of the PC decide what was on it. This understanding started when they were still moldable. I learned through the years that they modeled my behavior. If I enjoyed a certain genre of music, they began to enjoy it, too. I made it clear that Nintendo games that had violent overtones wouldn't be welcomed. I made it clear that I wanted to live a God-centered life and wanted that for them as well. I taught them that sex outside of marriage was not God's best plan for them. I told them of the costliness of parenthood and let them know that as long as they couldn't take care of themselves, they shouldn't consider trying to take care of someone else. The bottom line on this discussion is that parents can't be alcoholics and think their children won't grow up with beer cans in their hands, too. A mother can't bring men in and out of her bed and think that her daughters won't grow up with this promiscuous lifestyle as well. It's said that an apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What you believe is okay, your kids will believe is okay. If you don't have clear ground rules set, step by step, then they will adopt the ground rules set forth by Hollywood and music entertainers. Let's face it, leaving television and MTV to teach our youth morality is irresponsible and equally risky business that will most likely leave them on the losing end of what God's best plan for their life is. My children will never be able to come to me and try to justify living with someone outside of marriage, or being involved in a pre-marital affair; because, they know from the word go where I stand on these issues based on my own personal lifestyle. I've taught them that playing with fire will eventually burn you. And I've never been shy about giving them real-life experiences to prove my point. And the bottom line on this topic always is: You can't alter God's commands and expect Him to be okay with it. It's not going to happen. He has a Divine Order: Marriage first; then sex. Anyone who says that's not realistic should talk to God about that.

God Doesn't Need Help Deciding Who Gives Birth & Who Doesn't

Eight babies. Well, actually 14 babies. In one home. No papa to help wash bottles. No papa to help wash diapers or take the dirty ones to the curb. A single mama with 14 children and not enough income to take care of them. Despite all that; believe me that’s not my biggest concern. I’ll spare you that concern til the end. And I assure you that your concerns will trump my own. It’s obvious that this is one very “gifted” woman. In three years I brought two children home and knew I’d reached my “limit.” I thank God that He had mercy and didn’t test me beyond that measure. This is obviously a woman who does not believe in abortion. For that I applaud her. The downside of that upside is that she chose to “play God” in that He obviously chose to keep her womb from bringing forth life full term. We’ll never know if that was a finite decision or like Sarah and Abraham, a temporary one. I believe something good always comes out of every difficult situation. It’s often said that what doesn’t kill us only serves to make us stronger. Unlike in decades and centuries past when birth-control options were limited and people lived on acres of land and the crops it bore, having extremely large families was more understandable. But this is a horrible case for in-vitro fertilization and what criterion makes for a suitable candidate. Let me say it now. Like the child who yells something meant to stay in the walls of his own home, NO ONE IS A GENUINE CANDIDATE FOR IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION. Obviously I don’t agree with this method. The reason is simple. It’s the same as why I don’t believe in abortion. GOD is the Gifter of life. He plants seeds and allows them to grow in the wombs He’s specifically ordained for a given purpose. Man and woman are merely the vessels. There are far too many children, right here in America, waiting to be adopted or received into a home as a foster child. Women who are desirous of motherhood, should know that there are enough orphaned babies for their lifetime to take care of. I can assure you that having one birthed through another canal is the same as one birthed from your own; without the stretch marks and swollen feet. Children grow on you like your favorite pet. You didn’t give birth to it; and, oh how you love it as though you did. This is an opportunity to take a long, hard look at who’s being the most irresponsible: a doctor who plants seeds in a woman’s womb who obviously has an unstable lifestyle; or a person with six kids working two jobs to afford to have these seeds planted. Laws need to be formed to protect the innocent. In this case, the innocent are the 14 babies who were brought forth at the hands of man; so different from the Mighty Hand and Plan of God. I know. God is in all things. But His Divine Order is not always exercised by human. There was a time when having multiples was a miracle upon miracles. People experienced His awesomeness when He gave them more than one at a time. It was a rare and very highlighted occasion. In fact, under natural circumstances it still is. But now, women are desperately taking the creation of life into their own hands. It reminds me of mad-scientists in labs wondering who can bring the most babies to full term. Is eight enough? Is someone in a lab seeing if they can bring a dozen to full term? Women are people; not dogs. Most women are not born to birth litters. It’s time to draw a line in the sand and say, “NO MORE.” For women who have an appointment to do this man’s way. Call now. Cancel the appointment. Don’t fertilize eggs that God has not ordained. I assure you if you were placed on this earth to be a mother, there are thousands of beautiful children of all ages, skin tones, hair textures that would love to call you “Mama/Mom/Madre.” How beautiful your family will be if you have a rainbow of God’s children taking care of the yard as they get older; parading into church on Sundays. Or maybe, like some very special neighbors I know, you’ll adopt children who blend with your features so much, no one would know lest you told them. Okay, if you read books, last page first, you already know my greatest concern in this most recent delivery. Actually, just as your own, my concerns are grave. As she did the news jaunts I presume this is part of her plan to care for her children sin outside financial help. But, as I watched her prepare her hands to reach inside the incubator to stroke love onto her children, I was extremely concerned at something that may seem minuscule to many: There is something odd about how she stroked their hair “against” the grain as opposed to “with” the grain? That was difficult to watch. Stroking the hair in the direction it grows is soothing. It almost seemed as if one of the little ones tried to push her hand away. That’s it. If I could send a note, it would read: Dear Mommy, Please stroke their hair in the direction it’s growing. In conclusion, the babies really are undeniably beautiful. But unfortunately, most times, beauty doesn’t pay the bills or put food on the table. Instead of criticizing, everyone should pray instead. Even the most gifted of parents need that. For those of you who know her personally, don’t ask if she needs help. Some things are obvious. Most of us who ever had two under the age of three know how valuable someone coming by to do more than idly sit can be. Don’t be convinced of her stoic demeanor. She not only wants help. She desperately needs it. Someone in her church needs to put leadership skills into action and start a diaper drive; a round-the-clock feeding time, etc. etc. If you don’t do it for her; do it for the children. Because this endeavor really will take a village.

Parents Have The Right To Know

Recently while listening to a talk show, a debate ensued over whether or not a parent should be notified before an underage female gets an abortion. My response is an emphatic YES. It stands to reason that the key word here is underage. If a parent is legally responsible for a child until the age of 18; then, in all fairness to the parent, the law should mandate they be informed before such a life-changing decision is made. I realize the argument for the potential life-threatening situation that can arise for the underage child if an unstable parent learns of this dilemma; but allowing this secrecy to silently fester for the rest of this pre-adult's life is even more potentially life-threatening. In a recent discussion with several twenty-something females I was both enlightened and disheartened to learn that most of them would not want their parents to know if they were contemplating this act. They were even more adamant against telling them if a pregnancy had occurred before they were of legal age. I thought of my own daughter; and, how through the years I have maintained a respectful "as-need-to-know" open book of my life. I have always made it crystal clear to her that if something happened in her life, she and I; not her alone; nor she and other misinformed friends; and especially not her and total strangers with no real investment in the decision, would weigh the consequences that would allow her to make the most informed decision regarding her situation. I have always instilled in her that abortion is never an option. From the many dark stories I've heard of how the emotional scars from this act never fully heal, she and I both agree with a Divine belief that if Father God allows the human seed to be planted, it is with an inevitable purpose for the persons involved. I realize there are a lot of children born, who suffer at the hands of their ill-prepared parents; but, I also know the mental and physical repercussions of snuffing out the life of your own child have to be staggering and infinite. The thought of a child (anyone under 18) having sex outside of marriage is a sad commentary in its own light. The thought of a child being seduced by the moment and obviously ill-prepared to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, not to mention some incurable disease, is an even sadder commentary. But perhaps the saddest commentary of all: At such a fragile age, in such a fragile state, a child has to make such an adult decision without weighing the perspective of a parent, whose opinion they'd probably love to have, and value the most. I'm reminded of a proverbial phrase. What a tangled web we weave, when first we set out to deceive. Anyone who does something under a dark cloud filled with the burden of secrecy, is foolish to think it won't surface to the light in one destructive form or another.

Parenting Doesn't End Just Because A Child Turns 18

I’ve come to the solemn conclusion that parenting is a life-long endeavor. Many moms and dads eagerly look forward to the last child turning 18. They dream with a quiet joy of an opportunity to have the freedom from responsibilities that totally consumed their lives for nearly two decades. But as reality teaches, numerically turning a certain age doesn’t guarantee that one instantaneously gains all the wisdom required for a lifetime. To all the young adults who at this moment are craving the opportunity to embark on the journey of parenthood; be forewarned. There are no etched-in-stone guidelines that guarantee “grown and gone” by age18 as a certainty. It is both selfish and naive to believe that one could throw a child out into the deep cesspool of life and holler from the sidelines, ‘Swim or sink, kid’ just because they’re considered legal age. I’m saddened by the increasing number of parents who are tossing in the towel on their adolescent children; leaving them alone on the steps of county property to muddle through the shark-infested waters of life without the nurture and support of parents who’ve ‘got their back’. Realistically I can somewhat empathize with the overwhelming feelings that sometimes come with parenting a difficult child. But, in retrospect, thankfully, the tenets of Parenthood 101 don’t allow you to quit because the going gets tough. Unfortunately children don’t enter this world with a fail-proof “how-to” guidebook attached to the umbilical cord. Instead they arrive “as-is” requiring most new parents to rely on gut-instinct and those who’ve journeyed before them to give advice on what to do, how to do it, and even when! But this article is more about children growing into adulthood; and their call by God to honor their parents. I believe to honor means to be respectful of; and is by no means to be confused with the abuse of guilt-laden manipulation some parents selfishly place on their adult children. Once one comes of legal age, he must be allowed to make decisions that align perfectly with his spirit. But with this new freedom comes the inseparable and potentially life-destroying consequences of any choices made. Inevitably some of these choices will conflict with the opinions of parents who have hard-knocks wisdom. As a person with two children of legal age, I can honestly say parents know a lot; but it is completely impossible that they always know what’s best. At some point that knowing has to come directly from within the individual. As a parent it may seem ludicrous to want to go to a mission-field in Peru. But if that’s the call on my child’s life, then in love I must let them go; forever mindful that they are a gift from God, Who is the real owner of this wonderful creation.
I recently had the difficult task of reminding my “growing” child of Ephesians 6: 1-3; where God gives the command to honor one’s parents. And how it was the first of the Ten Commandments given by God that came with His promise of a long and prosperous life as one obeys it.
I give thanks that the ground rules were laid early enough to cement; but sometimes independent living causes one to forget the importance of tossing more than a two-minute shout-out on a manmade day honoring parents, or a mom or dad’s birthday. Recently my son has had the displeasure of knowing firsthand what it is like to be without a job. It’s those times that one realizes, with a crystal-clear acceptance, that parenting is for life. This experience has forced him to do something I’d always hoped while raising him, he’d never have to do: Ask me for money. I always hoped he’d listened well enough to have the foresight to save like there’s no tomorrow; for the time the proverbial tomorrow arrived. I did what any loyal parent would do for a child who doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs and has worked since his mid-teen years. I sent a financial “care package” with a letter of love from a place beyond myself. I made clear this was an interest-free loan; because I wanted to jog his memory of the old adage I taught him as a kid, without having to say it outright: Money does not grow on trees. Before putting the aid in the mail I pulled together a few lines for his benefit on the importance of honoring his parents (whether deceased or living); and the promise God gives for this obedience.
I didn’t really want to have to remind my growing child of what I know he already knows. But, just the same, I did. Somehow I know in my spirit that I did so more for his benefit than my own. The advice was given more from a spiritual place of ‘it were me falling short and thwarting my blessing,’ I’d want to be reproved. It’s been 48 hours since he received the package. I’ve yet to receive a gratitude of thanks on my answering machine. But in more ways than one, it’s okay. No one ever said humble pie tasted sweet. He’ll come around because right always has a way of wearing us down when we’re wrong. I’ve had enough life experiences to know that most twenty-somethings are busy building a life of their own; and, during this often self-centered endeavor, can easily lose regard for the priceless-ness of a Godly parent. It’s not until Life blindsides them with a hardball and they’ve exhausted all of their “go-to-pals” they assumed would be there for them in times of extreme need; that a twist on the proverbial saying becomes truth: “A friend who’s there in time of need; truly is a friend, indeed.” Oft-times the eye-opening revelation surfaces that a parent in it for the long haul ends up being that friend in-deed. Do I believe doling out money with abandon to an adult is the solution? Nope. I’ll never allow myself to be in a place where my children see me as a bank. For it is then that I risk becoming an idol, a false god of sorts in their life. This is simply a “Do-unto-others” reaction. If it were me on the other side of the coin, I know if he had it; so would I. America is in a “deprecession.” It’s a time for family members to purge their souls of the sinful, ‘I’ve got mine; you get yours’ mentality. I hope the care package tides him over until the tides turn back in his favor. If not, he knows, the door is always open. The light is always on. That, for certain, he doesn’t have to ask for.